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Thats Life!

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Vixie
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« on: 23 June, 2009, 11:38 »

1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. and yells ... 'My wife's going to have her baby in the taxi'.
 grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the lady I noticed that there were several taxis ... and I was in the wrong one.
Dr. Mark MacDonald, St. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow

2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,'. I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient.
Dr. Richard Barnes, St.Thomas's Bath

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hospital.

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
'Which one ?' ... I asked.
The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions includes removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk General

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered ... 'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was still alive.'
Dr. Steven Swanson, Maidenhead Royal Kent

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked ... ' So how was your breakfast this morning?'
'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste' ... Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled 'KY Jelly.'
Dr. Leonard J. Brandon, Bristol Infirmary.

7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered .... It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read ... Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which read 'Sorry ... had to mow the lawn.'
Staff Nurse RN Elaine Fogerty, KGH London
Dr. wouldn't submit his name
« Last Edit: 23 June, 2009, 11:44 by Vixie » Report Spam   Logged

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Pootsie
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« Reply #1 on: 24 June, 2009, 05:14 »

Love it!  Good post above
I'm glad you created this thread, Vixen.  I had this email and was having a hard time deciding what category to post it in, this is PERFECT!! 




Caution... They  Walk Among Us!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.  He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. 


It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.' 


The next day someone stole it!


***They walk amongst us!***

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

*One  day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone  shouted....'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and  said...'where?'

***They walk among  us!!***

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

While looking at a house, my brother  asked the estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with that  stuff'

***They Walk Among  Us!!***

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.

***They Walk Among  Us!! !!***

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped She keeps it in the trunk.

***They Walk Among  Us!!!!!***

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was hanging out with a friend  when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My  friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?' I  had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...

***They Walk Among Us!!!!!!! ***

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...

(I work with professionals like this.)

***They Walk Among  Us!!!!!!!!***

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't  think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

***Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.!!!!!!!!


Sadly, not  only do they walk among us, they also reproduce !!!!
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Dance like nobody is watching! 
Vixie
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« Reply #2 on: 24 June, 2009, 06:25 »

 Good post above Lol

'They walk among us' might be a better name for this thread.  Tongue
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« Reply #3 on: 06 August, 2009, 05:52 »

Yesterday I stopped at a new local butcher. 
Ah  the door is locked... Silly me I missed the Sign                SORRY CLOSED

but underneath the sign was                                              Please come in

(must take my camera with me next time!)
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« Reply #4 on: 19 August, 2009, 12:47 »

In my son's bedroom....




 Lol
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Souly
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« Reply #5 on: 19 August, 2009, 15:26 »

In my son's bedroom....


 Lol At least he can truly say he has completed EVERYthing on his to-do list...well done!
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Vixie
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« Reply #6 on: 19 August, 2009, 20:05 »

 Lol
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Princess Eithel
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« Reply #7 on: 22 August, 2009, 22:42 »

 too funny!  Wine toast
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« Reply #8 on: 01 September, 2009, 06:27 »

While we were on our North Island break, we were looking around a tourist shop.  (will eventually show you what we bought)  and sitting on the shelf was a kiwi fruit with a huge grin (and arms and legs...)  which I thought was cool,,,, BUT at the same time the canned music was playing "Smiley"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bHU8EXWc840&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fjusthearit.com%2F&feature=player_embedded
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Souly
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« Reply #9 on: 01 September, 2009, 07:10 »

Oh brother!!!  I remember Craig Scott well. His manager lived across the road from us and Craig was SO cute!!! lol   Sad thing is...I remember ALLL those words of the song too!  Lol

Craig's manager also managed The Chicks, Dinah Lee and for a while, Ray Columbus. I used to look after Dinah Lee's chihauhau when she was on gigs. Lord, that dog was horrible!  Lol
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« Reply #10 on: 08 September, 2009, 12:58 »

Mr Middle (one day I'll get names for my family)
asks  "Why do they call it Cold Turkey?"
after several suggestions (I liked mine, because you give up on Jan 1st and all there is to eat is left over Turkey...but they didn't think so)
Oh says Mr Middle after Googling,  "it's because you get goose bumps and sweat."
Mr Teen says "why would a turkey have goose bumps?"

 Lol  good call.
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Souly
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« Reply #11 on: 08 September, 2009, 13:22 »

 Lol
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« Reply #12 on: 19 October, 2009, 11:43 »

Trial By Hire
Retail | San Bernardino, CA, USA

(I’ve just been hired as a cashier and it’s my first day. Halfway through my shift, I get called to go to the manager’s office. In the office is another man.)

Manager: “Ah, there you are. Thanks for coming over so quickly.”

Me: “No problem, what’s up?”

Manager: “This here is Henry. I’d like you to help him find the items on his grocery list and help him with whatever he may need.”

Henry: “Hello.”

Me: “Hey. Well, shall we get started?”

(Henry holds up a fake mustache and begins speaking in a British accent.)

Henry: “This the best you could hire?! This place is becoming worse every week!”

Manager, to me: “Can I talk to you outside for a second?”

Me: “Sure…”

(We go outside and my manager explains to me that when Henry holds up his mustache, he is British and his name is Hensley.)

Manager: “Just take him around and help him get his stuff.”

Me: “Alright, will do…”

(We start off finding him tea.)

Me: “Alright, our tea is right over here.”

Henry: “Let’s see…green tea…green tea…ah. Here it is!”

(The mustache goes up as he reaches for the tea.)

Hensley: “I don’t want green tea.”

(The mustache goes down.)

Henry: “Must you be so picky?!”

(The mustache goes up.)

Hensley: “It isn’t my fault you have such terrible taste!”

(The mustache goes down.)

Henry: “Fine, what kind of tea do you want?!”

(The mustache goes up.)

Hensley: “I’m not sure.”

(This goes on for a grueling, long, painful 37 items. After two hours of this and a full cart, we head for the check out.)

Henry: “Thank you so much for being so patient with us.”

Me: “Glad I could help you two out!”

(The mustache goes up.)

Hensley: “Yes, thank you ever so much for the assistance. Don’t let us hold you up dearie. Off you go…shoo, shoo!”

Me: “Alright, take care.”

(I head to the manager’s office, where several co-workers are also waiting.)

Me: “What the h*** was that for? Some sort of hazing?”

Manager: “Nope, he comes in every four days and buys the exact same stuff. Good way to test new employees!”

(So far they’ve tried this on five other new people while I’ve worked here. They all lost their temper and were fired. Henry/Hensley asks for me every few visits and he is a regular customer of mine now. Well, a not-so-regular customer…)
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Pootsie
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« Reply #13 on: 20 October, 2009, 09:31 »

No Sh*t?
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Dance like nobody is watching! 
Souly
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« Reply #14 on: 20 October, 2009, 10:06 »

 Lol
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« Reply #15 on: 27 October, 2009, 17:36 »

New New Zealand quote..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aCL_5WfcnnM&feature=related 
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« Reply #16 on: 27 October, 2009, 18:29 »

Good heavens!!!  Lol
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« Reply #17 on: 16 November, 2009, 05:28 »

THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!
If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning....
 
Uphill... Barefoot...
 
BOTH ways

Yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
 
But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
 
And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!
 
There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen!
 
Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take, like, a week to get there!  Stamps were 10 cents!
 
Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us.  As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass!  Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3' s or Napsters!  If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!
 
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players!  We had tape decks in our car  We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished and the tape would come undone.  Cause - that's how we rolled, dig?

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waitin g!  If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen.... Forever!
And you could never win.. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!


You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing!  You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!  NO REMOTES!!!
 
There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bags!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove!  Imagine that!
 
That's exactly what I'm talking about!  You kids today have got it too easy.  You're spoiled.  You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or before!

Regards,
The Over 30 Crowd
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« Reply #18 on: 16 November, 2009, 09:07 »

Quote
The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

 hahaha Lol
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Vixie
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« Reply #19 on: 16 November, 2009, 12:26 »

 Lol
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