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Senior Citizens Are funny.

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Author Topic: Senior Citizens Are funny.  (Read 708 times)
Pootsie
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« Reply #20 on: 14 November, 2009, 04:35 »

Souly!   Lol

Questions and Answers from AARP Forum
Q: Where can men over the age
of 60 find younger, sexy
women who are interested
in them?
 A: Try a bookstore, under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his
wife is going through
menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with
tools, you can finish the basement.
When you're done you'll have a
place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that
menopause is mentioned in
the bible. Is that true?
Where can it be  found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92:
"And Mary rode Joseph's ass
all the way to  Egypt .."

Q: How can you increase the
heart rate of your 60-plus
year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that
terrible curse of the elderly
wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with  short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep More soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter  antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"
SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor, RIGHT? 

 

 


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Souly
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« Reply #21 on: 14 November, 2009, 11:35 »

HA! Poots...I just got that email the other day about the oldies questions...it's hilarious!  Lol
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Vixie
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« Reply #22 on: 16 November, 2009, 12:27 »

 Lol
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« Reply #23 on: 17 November, 2009, 21:04 »


Wrong turn sends man 600km off course
17 November, 2009 - 07:28pm

VICTORIAN police have helped an elderly NSW man find his way home after an epic nine-hour road trip that took him more than 600km off course and far into the wrong state.

The 80-year-old identified as Eric, from Pambula, near Merimbula on the NSW south coast, set off from a friend's house at Yass, on the Hume Highway southwest of Sydney, about 7.15am on Monday for the 613km trip home.

Police believe Eric took a wrong turn and stayed on the Hume Highway, taking him across the Victorian border at Albury-Wodonga and on towards Melbourne.

Constable Tom Windlow and Leading Senior Constable Clayton Smith of the police drug and alcohol section found Eric when they pulled into a roadhouse on the Princes Freeway at Lara, near Geelong, about 3.45pm (AEDT).

Eric was 630km west of Pambula, and 654km away from Yass, when his adventure ended.

"I was stretching my legs, waiting for Tom to come back to the car when this little old man came up to me saying he was lost," Sen Const Smith said.

"He handed me his mobile and asked if I could speak to his wife."

The man's wife was frantic with worry, telling police he had been on the road for nine hours.

"Believe me, we never expected for her to say he had driven from Yass," Sen Const Smith said.

The members took Eric to Sunshine police station to meet family friends, who drove from Mount Eliza to meet him.

"He was such nice gentleman, full of stories and very grateful for our help," Sen Const Smith said.

"Although we had to laugh. When we asked him why he hadn't stopped earlier he replied, "I just like to drive."

Eric, who suffers slight dementia, and his wife were reunited this afternoon, police said.
 



Awww, bless 'im. Nod yes


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Souly
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« Reply #24 on: 18 November, 2009, 01:57 »

Good heavens! Poor wee man. His petrol tank must be a biggun!
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smiliekiwi
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« Reply #25 on: 18 November, 2009, 03:09 »

 Lol  I can relate to that... well to a degree..  sometimes I take a wrong turn and keep driving hoping to find a landmark that'll redirect me.
and I love driving long distances..  but normally after twenty minutes or so I'll admit defeat!
/flirt GPS system
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Souly
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« Reply #26 on: 18 November, 2009, 03:16 »

  but normally after twenty minutes or so ....

or when you run out of petrol?
 Lol

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smiliekiwi
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« Reply #27 on: 29 January, 2010, 15:10 »

or when you run out of petrol?
 Lol



 Blush  That's another story....

A few here you'll know,  a few you won't...

Grandparents:


 

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before.. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye....


 

2.  My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62.

My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked,
"Did you start at 1?"


 

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"


 

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"


 

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.


 

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."


 

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her.. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these, yourself!"


 

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa.. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

 

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure."  "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised, "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."


10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to
make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "how do you make babies?"
 "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

 

11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don'tyou know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

 

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.

 "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.

 

"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."


A third child brought the argument to a close..."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

 

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her.. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

 

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good, good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.



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DingBat
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« Reply #28 on: 29 January, 2010, 23:01 »

 Lol
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Pootsie
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« Reply #29 on: 27 June, 2010, 07:30 »

And just when I thought I had read all of the funny emails about senior citizens, along comes this one, sent by Caroljune:



THE PATIENT GRANDFATHER
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly
behaved 3 year-old grandson..

 
It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child
screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit
aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.

 
Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled
voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy, boy."

 
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay,
William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang
in there, boy."

 
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the
cart, and Gramps says again in a controlled voice, "William,

 
William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five
minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is
loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

 
She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but
you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole
time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive
he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay William is
very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

 
"Thanks, lady," said the grandfather, "but I'm William . .. . the
little bastard's name is Steve."
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Souly
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« Reply #30 on: 27 February, 2012, 12:13 »

If my body was a car, I would be trading it in for a newer model I've got bumps dents scratches & my headlights are out of focus. My gearbox is seizing up & it takes me hours to reach maximum speed. I overheat for no reason and every time I sneeze, cough or laugh either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

 Ooer
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DingBat
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« Reply #31 on: 27 February, 2012, 12:15 »

Lol
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