Senior Citizens Are funny.

[Pootsie]

Got an anecdote or a joke about seniors?  Advice from or for seniors?  Post it here:



An old lady was standing at the rail of the cruise ship holding her hat so that the wind wouldn't blow it away. A gentleman approached her & said, 'Pardon me, madam, I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this wind?' 'Yes, I know,' said the lady. 'But I need my hands to hold onto my hat.''But madam, he said, 'you must know that you're derriere is exposed!' The woman looked down, then back up at the man and said, 'Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old, but I just bought this hat!'

[DingBat]

[Souly]

 ...both of those are brilliant!

[Souly]

I love this one....

Grandma is ninety-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:   

 
Dear Grand-daughter,
     
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker...
     
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
     
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
     
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the
light had changed.
     
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked,  I'd never have noticed.
     
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
     
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of
God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
     
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
     
Everyone started honking!
     
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those
loving people.
     
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
       
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a sunny beach.
     
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the  air.
     
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
     
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
     
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window
and gave him the good luck sign right back.
     
My grandson burst out laughing.
     
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
     
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.
     
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
through the intersection.
     
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared.
     
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.  Praise the Lord
for such wonderful folks!!
     
Will write again soon,
     
Love, Grandma

[smiliekiwi]

Aparently true...

Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a Rochester hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot. The horrified nurse said, 'Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?'

The lady said, 'My phone doesn't have an eleven.'

[smiliekiwi]

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!

The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...

The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."

[Souly]

 

[Pootsie]

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot  Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new  hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected  to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the  bathroom during the night.

The new  wine will be marketed as


PINO MORE

[Souly]

 

[smiliekiwi]

Aging Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "the heart would be just below the left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

[Souly]

 

[Pootsie]

 smilie! 

Lovemaking tips for Seniors


1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed.


2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.


3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)


4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.


5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.


6. Keep the polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.


7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.


8. Make all the noise you want... the neighbors are deaf too.


9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.


10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

[Souly]

PMSL!!! 

[Pootsie]

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world.  It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.  Harold Sclumberg is such a person.


VERY INSPIRING!


"I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired'?
 
Well..I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and margaritas into urine.

And I'm pretty damn good at it, too!!"

[Souly]

 

[Pootsie]

Questions and Answers from AARP Forum

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?

A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.  When you're done, you will have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that
menopause is mentioned in
the bible... Is that true?
Where can it be

  found?

A: Yes. Matthew 14:92:
"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to  Egypt ."

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over-60 year-old husband?

 A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?

A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all  those wrinkles on my face?

A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with  short term memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep More soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60-plus year olds

look for eye glasses?

 A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?

A: "Gosh, I remember these!"

[Souly]

  Especially the last one...and I'm not yet 60!

[Vixie]

 

[Souly]

Arthur is 90 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I’ve hit the ball, I can’t see where it went.” His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down, she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.” “That’s no good,” sighs Arthur. “Your brother’s a hundred and three. He can’t help.” “He may be a hundred and three,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.” So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. “Did you see the ball?” “Of course I did!” replies the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.” “Where did it go?” asks Arthur. “I don’t remember.”

[smiliekiwi]

   I like it!!