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Joke of the Day
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Topic: Joke of the Day (Read 1550 times)
smiliekiwi
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Re: Catholic Shampoo
«
Reply #60
on:
30 April, 2010, 09:09 »
that's service!
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Souly
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Re: Catholic Shampoo
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Reply #61
on:
08 May, 2010, 08:14 »
Now, why would they need curlers? Their hair is under the veil! STUPID checkout serviceperson!!!
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Souly
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Re: Joke of the Day
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Reply #62
on:
08 May, 2010, 08:19 »
Quote from: DingBat on 09 April, 2010, 19:36
Yay, one I've not seen before!
I were wun ov dem wunce!
HA! Me too!
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Carnie
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Divorce Vs. Murder
«
Reply #63
on:
17 May, 2010, 08:46 »
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law? I'll lose my licence! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.....
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Edit: Changed subject line to upper and lower case, so as not to appear as 'shouting'.
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Last Edit: 19 May, 2010, 18:56 by DingBat
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smiliekiwi
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Re: DIVORCE VS. MURDER
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Reply #64
on:
17 May, 2010, 09:04 »
that's a good one!
You may want to check this thread...
http://globalchinwaggers.smfforfree.com/index.php/topic,15.40.html
Edit
: No worries,
Smilie
, I've merged it into that/this thread.
«
Last Edit: 24 May, 2010, 09:44 by DingBat
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Carnie
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Who put the dog out??
«
Reply #65
on:
24 May, 2010, 07:38 »
A couple was going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, but just needed to put the dog out when the taxi arrives.
However as the couple walked out of the house, the dog shoots back in the house.
They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explains to the taxi driver: 'He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother.'
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.
'Sorry I took so long' he says. 'Stupid b!tch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her arse downstairs and tossed her in the back yard!
She better not sh*t in the vegetable garden again!'
The silence in the cab was deafening.
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DingBat
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Re: Joke of the Day
«
Reply #66
on:
24 May, 2010, 09:40 »
Hahaha! Love it!!
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Just how much
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[img width= height= alt=Click for Gympie, Queensland Forecast" border="0" height="41" width="127]http://weathersticker.wunderground.com/weathersticker/gizmotimetemp_both24/language/www/global/stations/94566.gif[/img]
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Prayers can be answered!!
«
Reply #67
on:
26 May, 2010, 09:28 »
A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing. " "What do they say? " the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible! " the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship. " Thankyou! " the woman responded. The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"
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Pootsie
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Re: Joke of the Day
«
Reply #68
on:
29 May, 2010, 20:43 »
Some good ones here! I got a couple of giggles this morning.
For some reason, this one made me smile...
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently I'm still lost....
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Souly
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Re: Joke of the Day
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Reply #69
on:
01 June, 2010, 20:17 »
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Pootsie
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Re: Joke of the Day
«
Reply #70
on:
31 July, 2010, 21:54 »
UNIVERSAL LAWS
(I can personally testify to the truth in every one of these!)
Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
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Dance like nobody is watching!
smiliekiwi
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Re: Joke of the Day
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Reply #71
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01 August, 2010, 08:46 »
Yep!! hahaha!
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DingBat
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Re: Joke of the Day
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Reply #72
on:
01 August, 2010, 10:08 »
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Just how much
can
a koala bear?
[img width= height= alt=Click for Gympie, Queensland Forecast" border="0" height="41" width="127]http://weathersticker.wunderground.com/weathersticker/gizmotimetemp_both24/language/www/global/stations/94566.gif[/img]
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smiliekiwi
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Re: Joke of the Day
«
Reply #73
on:
02 August, 2010, 08:08 »
Stay...........
I pulled into the crowded car park at the local supermarket and rolled
Down the car windows to make sure my
Lab Retriever Pup had fresh air.
She was stretched full-out on the back seat
And I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.
I walked to the kerb backward,
Pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,
'Now you stay. Do you hear me?'
'Stay! Stay!'
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady,
Gave me a strange look and said,
'Why don't you just put the handbrake on?
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DingBat
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Re: Joke of the Day
«
Reply #74
on:
02 August, 2010, 08:49 »
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Just how much
can
a koala bear?
[img width= height= alt=Click for Gympie, Queensland Forecast" border="0" height="41" width="127]http://weathersticker.wunderground.com/weathersticker/gizmotimetemp_both24/language/www/global/stations/94566.gif[/img]
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smiliekiwi
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Re: Joke of the Day
«
Reply #75
on:
13 September, 2010, 10:31 »
Got my son an iPhone for his graduation the other week and recently got my daughter an iPod.
I was dead chuffed when the family clubbed together and bought me an iPad.
Got my wife an iRon so she does not feel left out.
It was about then the fight started......
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DingBat
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Re: Joke of the Day
«
Reply #76
on:
15 September, 2010, 23:28 »
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Just how much
can
a koala bear?
[img width= height= alt=Click for Gympie, Queensland Forecast" border="0" height="41" width="127]http://weathersticker.wunderground.com/weathersticker/gizmotimetemp_both24/language/www/global/stations/94566.gif[/img]
@(*o*)@
smiliekiwi
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Re: Joke of the Day
«
Reply #77
on:
16 September, 2010, 07:10 »
Billing
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer
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DingBat
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Re: Joke of the Day
«
Reply #78
on:
16 September, 2010, 08:24 »
Yep, that'd be right!
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Just how much
can
a koala bear?
[img width= height= alt=Click for Gympie, Queensland Forecast" border="0" height="41" width="127]http://weathersticker.wunderground.com/weathersticker/gizmotimetemp_both24/language/www/global/stations/94566.gif[/img]
@(*o*)@
smiliekiwi
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Re: Joke of the Day
«
Reply #79
on:
21 September, 2010, 06:28 »
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Poof! She was gone. 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Poof! He was gone. 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
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