Joke of the Day

[Pootsie]

Yarr!

One day a Pirate and a bartender were talking to each other in a bar. The Bartender asked the pirate "Where did ya get that peg leg from?"

The Pirate responded " We were sailing the seas when a big ol' shark came up to me while I was swimmin' and bit off me leg."

Later the Bartender asked "Where did you get that hook then?"

The pirate responded "Well, me crew and I were in a battle and it got cut through the bone."

"Then where did ya get the eye patch from?" the bartender then asked.

The pirate said " In a harbor I looked at a gull flying over head and it pottied right in me eye."

The bartender was puzzled and asked the pirate, "How would that make you need an eye patch?"

"First day with the hook."

[Souly]

An elderly woman was brought to the ER with a fractured hip. The ER doctor knew that surgery would be in order for the patient. “Have you ever undergone surgery?” he asked.
“Yes,” the woman said. “Remember what type of surgery was it?” “I’m not sure,” the old lady said. “It was a long time ago.” The physician noticed a scar on the right side of the woman’s abdomen. He pointed to the scar. “Is this where you had the surgery?” he asked. “No,” said the woman. “It was in Brooklyn.”

[Pootsie]

A married couple in their early 60's were celebrating their 40th Wedding Anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant....

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.  She said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."   The wife answered,  "Oh, I want to travel  around the world with my darling husband.."   The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands. 
   
The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than I." The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
 
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 93 years old.  The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.....

********************************


   Man, I'll tell ya, women can be cold until the end!
   
   The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad
   News. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'
   
    The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the
   Waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
   
    'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate
   When things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer.
   So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'
   
    After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There
   Were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by
   Some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were
   Celebrating.
   
   The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've
   Been diagnosed with AIDS.'
   
   The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty
   Retreat.
   
   After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,
   'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told
   Your friends you were dying of AIDS!   Why did you do that??'
   
   'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after
   I'm gone.'
   
   And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'

[Vixie]

 

[DingBat]

 

[Souly]

 

[Pootsie]

I LOVE THIS DOCTOR'S ADVICE!


Q:  Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can  prolong life. Is this true?

A:  Heart only good for so many beats, and that it...  Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out  eventually. Speed up heart not make live longer; that like say you can extend life of car by driving faster.  Want live longer?  Take nap.



Q:  Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and  vegetables?

A:  You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does cow  eat? Hay and corn. What are these? Vegetables. So,  steak nothing more than efficient mechanism of  delivering vegetables to system. Need grain? Eat  chicken. Beef also good source of field grass  (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give 100%  recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. 



Q:  Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A:  No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is  distilled wine. That means they take water out of  fruity bit; get even more of goodness that way. Beer  also made out of grain. Bottoms up! 



Q:  How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? 

A:  If you have body and you have fat, ratio is one to  one. If you have two bodies, ratio is two to one, etc. 



Q:  What are some of the advantages of participating in a  regular exercise program? 

A:  Cannot think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No  Pain...Good!



Q:  Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A:  YOU NOT LISTENING!!!  ....  Foods fried in vegetable  oil.  How getting more vegetables be bad for you? 



Q:  Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little  soft around the middle? 

A:  Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get  bigger. You should only do sit-ups if want bigger  stomach.



Q:  Is chocolate bad for me?

A:  You crazy? HELLO… Cocoa beans! Vegetable!!! Cocoa  beans best feel-good food around!



Q:  Is swimming good for your figure?

A:  If swimming good for figure, explain whales to me. 



Q:  Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? 

A:  Hey! 'Round' is shape!



Well, I  hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may  have had about food and diets.

AND..... 

For  those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final  word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know  the truth after all those conflicting nutritional  studies: 

[Souly]

 

[Vixie]

Great stuff! lol

[smiliekiwi]

Last night my daughter and I were sitting in the den and I said to her,
'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'


So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.


She's such a bitch.
 

[Souly]

  I love that one!!!

[Vixie]

 

[Souly]

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynaecologist.

'Come now,' coaxed the doctor, 'you've been seeing me for years!

There's nothing you can't tell me’.

'This one's kind of strange.'

'Let me be the judge of that,' the doctor replied.

'Well,' she said, 'yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies.'

'I see.'
 
'That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were 5p’s in the bowl.'
'That night,' she went on, 'I went again, plink-plink-plink, and there were 10p’s and this morning there were 50p’s!
‘You've got to tell me what's wrong with me’ she implored, 'I'm scared out of my wits!'

The gynaecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder.
'There, there, it's nothing to be scared about.'

 
[hide]You're simply going through the change![/hide]

[Pootsie]

 

[Souly]

 

[Pootsie]

Excerpts from a dog's diary:

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
 
     

Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary...
       
Day 983 of my captivity...

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.  They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.  In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.  I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of.  However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.  Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight.  I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.  However, I could hear the noises and smell the food.  I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.'  I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking.  I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.  The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return.  He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant.  I observe him communicating with the guards regularly.  I am certain that he reports my every move.  My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.   

For now...............

[Souly]

  That is brilliant!

[Vixie]

 

[DingBat]

[Pootsie]

I've seen that dog and cat email several times now, and it never fails to make me laugh!  I guess that's why I had to post it... duh...!