Joke of the Day

[DingBat]

TOILET ISSUE

When you need to visit a public loo there is invariably a line of women waiting.  You smile politely and take your place in the line.  It finally gets to your turn, you check for feet under the cubicle doors.  Every cubicle is occupied ... but eventually a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the cubicle.

You get in to find that the door won't lock.  It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long and you are about to wet your pants!

The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" is handy, but empty.  You would hang your bag on the door hook if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, yank down your trousers and assume "the position."

In this position your ageing, toneless thigh muscles begin to tremble and shake.  You would love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "the position."

To take your mind off your trembling thighs for a moment, you reach for the toilet paper dispenser and discover your worst nightmare - it's empty, the toilet roll dispenser is empty!!  You 'hover' looking around in the hope that there's a new roll behind you - no such luck.  Your thighs start to shake more.  Then you remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your handbag, which is now burning your neck and shoulders with the weight.  So you contort your arm into a very unnatural position and start to fumble around in the deep, dark depths of your handbag for that small crumpled 'used' tissue no bigger than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes your door cubicle door and, because the latch doesn't work, the door hits your head which is bent forward from you holding your bag around your neck while you are rummaging for that 'used' tissue.  The door takes you by surprise and you start to lose your balance and topple backwards.  "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach to push the door shut and you drop the precious, tiny, crumpled tissue, which you had only just managed to retrieve with your index finger, into an 'unknown' puddle on the floor.  If that isn't enough you lose your balance altogether and gravity pulls you down ... down ... directly onto the TOILET SEAT!!!

Yes, it's wet.  You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late.  Your thighs and bottom have made contact with every imaginable germ and life form that lives on the uncovered seat.  By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of cold water like a fire hose into the bowl which causes a spray of fine mist that completely covers your bum and runs downs your legs along with all the various life forms and down into your dishevelled trousers which have now dropped to your ankles with your hems soaking up that puddle from the floor.  The flush seems to suck everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point you give up.  You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat.  You're exhausted.  You try to wipe your self with a piece of chewing gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.  You cannot figure out how to operate the tap, so run your hands underneath it grateful for the two drops of water there and around the basin itself.  You go to the towel dispenser past the line of women still waiting, where, of course, there are no paper towels, so you move onto the hand blower, which, yes, you've guessed it, doesn't work either!

You're no longer able to smile politely to the women, but there's an unspoken understanding between you all.  A kind soul at the very end of the line of women points out that you have a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe.  Where was that when you NEEDED IT???  You yank the paper from your shoe, plonk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."

As you exit the loos, you spot your hubby/partner, who has long since entered, used and left the men's.  Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your handbag hanging around your neck?"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with public loos.  It also helps explain to the men why it really does take us women so long and it also answers that commonly asked question - Why do women always go to the loos in pairs?  It's so that your friend can hold the door, hang onto your bag and pass you tissue under the door!

[Pootsie]

OH, that bathroom joke is RIGHT ON!  I think we've all been through it in some degree or other!   



A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver’s side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. “I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said. “You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else.”

“How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, “Don’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.”

“My God!” screamed the lawyer. “My Rolex! My Rolex!”.

[Vixie]

 

[smiliekiwi]

Old men may walk slow BUT think FAST

[/b]
 
An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years.

He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees.

The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.
 
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while.   

He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit.  As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.   

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam.   

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
 
One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said,

 

'I'm here to feed the crocodile.'
 
Moral: Old men may walk slow, but they can still think fast.

[Vixie]

 

[smiliekiwi]

At a grocery store
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, "No." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long now."

Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."

When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased. The mother said serenely, "Monica, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica," he began.

The mother replied, "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy."

[Souly]

  Oh how I can relate!!!

[smiliekiwi]

You know it is time to reassess your relationship with
your computer when....


1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and
stop to check your email on the way back to bed.

2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if
you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just
for the free internet access.

4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.

5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.

6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word
processor.com

7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a
computer.



8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really
depressed.

9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they
have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask.

10. You move into a new house and you decide to "Netscape" before you
landscape.

11. Your family always knows where you are.


12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL".

13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!

[smiliekiwi]

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed. "Grandson I wanna you lisin to me. I want for you to take my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa I really don’t like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead. "

"You lisina to me, soma day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambino."

"Soma day you goina coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man. What do you do than? Point to your watch and say TIMES UP?"

[smiliekiwi]

A Doctor died and was being screened for the destination of his soul's eternal afterlife. Unfortunately he'd been a bit of a lout and greedy to boot, so he wasn't quite certain what to expect. Upon his arrival at the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter greeted him and informed the Doctor that he would be allowed to choose from one of the doors before him, but that because of his greed and misdeeds, he may find the choices rather disturbing.
Upon opening the first door, he saw fire and brimstone of truly Biblical proportions, a horrifying sight, and quickly closed it.
After looking through the second door, he was even more horrified to see various tortured souls ravaged by plague, disease, and other maladies too terrible to mention, while an evil guard stood watch.
Nervously he opened the third door to discover groups of white-coated male physicians, being waited on hand and foot by beautiful young women dressed in little more than nursing caps!
He rushed excitedly back to Saint Peter and said, "I'll take the third door!"
"Oh, no, I'm afraid that's not possible," exclaimed Saint Peter. "That's NURSES' Hell!"

[Souly]

 

[smiliekiwi]

There was this Eskimo girl who spent the night with her boyfriend and next
morning found out that she was six months pregnant.

[Souly]

  

[smiliekiwi]

We have two cats. They’re my wife’s cats, Mischa and Alex.
You can tell a woman names a cat like this. Women always have sensitive names: Muffy, Fluffy, Buffy. Guys name cats things like Tuna Breath, Fur Face, Meow Head.
They’re nice cats. They’ve been neutered and they’ve been declawed.
So they’re like pillows that eat.     Larry Reeb

[Pootsie]

Once a captain on his ship was disturbed by his assistant telling him, "Sir! Sir! There are 5 enemy ships on the horizon."

The captain tells the man," Get my red coat and prepare for battle!"

The assistant runs without question to get the captains red coat and prepares for battle. After their victory the assistant asks the captain why he wanted his red coat.

The captain tells the assistant "If I was shot you would not be able to tell I'm bleeding and you would keep fighting."

The assistant thought this was a great idea. The next day the assistant came to the captain, "Sir! Sir! There are twenty enemy ships on the horizon!"

The captain was stunned. He looked at the assistant and told him "Get me my brown pants!"

[Souly]

 

[Pootsie]

If any of you have ever been married to, or dated an engineer, you will totally understand this one!




The authorities were leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They asked the priest if he wanted to face up or down when he meets his fate.

The priest said that he would like to face up so that he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. So, they raise the blade of the guillotine, release it and it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck.

The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.

Next the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it and it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck.

So, the authorities release the drunkard as well.

Next is the engineer. He also decides to die facing up. They slowly raise the blade of the guillotine when suddenly the engineer shouts, "WAIT!!!… I think the problem is right there where the cable is binding!!!"

[smiliekiwi]

That is just so funny!  With having our bathroom being renovated, the thing that has slowed it down
has been all these visiting males with opposing pieces of 'information' and 'advice'
Next room we renovate I'll hire a drunkard and a priest...

[smiliekiwi]

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good!

I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful.

That is what I wish for...a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the [beep] map again."

[Souly]